Fear in my Heart
There’s so much fear associated with this place.
We’ve received the news of babies with no heartbeats and confirmations of miscarriages in this office.
Multiple times I’ve left the building with tears flowing.
We are fourteen weeks pregnant. I have all the nausea, exhaustion, and uncomfortableness of a healthy and viable pregnancy. My belly continues to expand and other unmentionable symptoms rear their ugly heads.
Yet I sit in the lobby with fear in my heart. What if there’s no heartbeat today?
For the one healthy pregnancy we’ve experienced, I’ve survived five miscarriages. Due to these experiences, whispers of doubt from the devil crowd out the peace of Christ in my heart. Unrest rules as the past replays in my mind.
My scripture reading from this morning reminded me to let God be the authority in my life.
As my heart wrestles to find peace, I realize how difficult that is to actually live out. Giving God authority means trusting in his peace even if there’s no heartbeat today. Giving him authority doesn’t necessarily mean confidence in the outcome I desire. It means confidence that he is good no matter the outcome.
And as I sit in an office with a history of heartbreak, this is not just a matter of remembering what I read this morning. It’s a matter of allowing the peace of God’s goodness to take hold in my mind and my heart.
[Update since writing: baby had a heartbeat of 150. Peace permeates, but I’ll tell you it’s easier with such a positive outcome. Shape my heart, God.]