What To Do With A Glitter-Free, Fragrance-Filled Christmas Card

What To Do With A Glitter-Free, Fragrance-Filled Christmas Card


I needed a light-hearted laugh this week as I deal with the anxiety of my oldest son coming home for Christmas weekend. Thankfully, my husband delivered — Our garbage men, let's call them Bill and Ben, left us a very festive note two weeks ago. It was so nicely strapped to the top of our garbage cans. I mean, I've gone the whole year without knowing our weekly workers' names, but now that it's December, it's obviously time to add Bill and Ben to my Christmas card list.

Not to mention the fact that I sent Christmas cards to exactly zero other people this year.

But by all means, Bill and Ben now top the list.

I know they only gave us a card so we'd know whose name to put in that "FOR" section of our plain-Jane, bank-issued checks.

I'm honestly just glad they didn't give us a card with glitter. That would have TOPPED a card that already smells like the inside of my garbage can. Glitter and a fragrance.

My husband is sweeter at his core than I am (bless his precious heart) so he went ahead and bought Bill and Ben's holiday cheer — hook, line, and sinker.

So while my mother didn't receive so much as a birthday or Christmas card this year (happy birthday today, Mom!) our garbage men did. Well, they collectively received one card, so I guess we sent out a total of two, one-half Christmas greetings in 2016.

My husband wrote a sweet note to the men because, well, he should. I've smelled the inside of my garbage can (and now their Christmas card) and I'm sincerely sorry.

I'm sure Chance included encouraging words and maybe even a life lesson (because that's what I married) before he shoved in two, five-dollar bills and sealed up the card. He wrote Bill and Ben's names on the outside of the envelope and stuck that card strategically to the top of the can. Again, not inside. That would be confusing. Except it would be the cleanest, least-smelly thing we've ever thrown away... so maybe not that confusing...

Anyway, a few days go by and my darling Chance is working away in his office. He notices two, five-dollar bills laying on his desk. He racks his brain, but for the life of him, he cannot remember what they were for.

You must know, my man is honest to a fault (and obviously a bit scatter-brained).

He couldn't remember if the money was personal money or money for the nonprofit he works for. So, bless his sweet and honest heart, he donated it to Lifegate. You know, just in case.

A few MORE days pass and my sweet, precious, honest-to-a-fault husband began to wonder if those fives were actually the bills he earmarked as gifts to ol' Bill and Ben. (Because apparently getting the Newingham's only one-half Christmas greeting was not tip enough for 2016.)

But he just honestly cannot remember.

So this past Tuesday, sweet, honest, precious and wise Chance stuck an envelope labeled "Bill and Ben" to the top of our garbage can once again. Inside was nothing but two new five dollar bills.

Maybe he tipped the workers the first time, but maybe he didn't.

Or, at the time, Bill and Ben may have been very, very confused to receive an empty but lovely card (sans glitter thankyouverymuch) back from people whose names they have not needed to know all year either.

Or maybe this week they were confused to receive another tip of five dollars each. (Don't get used to it, Bill and Ben. It's not becoming a weekly tradition.)

Chance KNOWS he at least donated the lost $10 to our nonprofit (in Bill and Ben's honor, ex post facto), and he KNOWS he stuck two crisp fives into an envelope with zero Christmas greetings this week. He MAYBE also included money after writing that nice card with a life lesson.

If the card WAS empty that first week, MAYBE the Newinghams will also be the recipients of twenty, possibly thirty dollars because of our assuredly fragrance-filled, one-half Christmas greeting. Because that's what one does with a glitter-free, fragrance-filled card, I hear.

Just don't forget to donate to your favorite nonprofit on our behalf, Bill and Ben. It's Newingham. With an N.


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