How to Shut the Garage Door - 55 Easy Steps to Success!
2. Pull the little red dangly cord because your husband (who is conveniently not in the same state as you) told you to.
3. Put the phone between your ear and your shoulder and continue talking as your husband tells you to pull down on the garage door and close it manually.
4. Don't touch the bottom seal of the door (because it might be dirty, eww), but do put both hands on one of the joints in the door.
5. Pull the door gently, but be flabbergasted that it receives some assistance from gravity on the way down.
6. Realize WAY too late that six of your fingers are going to get a little squished in the door's joint.
7. Determine that those fingers are not actually just a bit squished, but they are all-out STUCK and SMASHED in your garage door.
8. Scream uncontrollably because of the pain.
9. Curse your neighbors for having daytime jobs.
10. Intentionally drop the phone from between your ear and your shoulder.
11. Try everything ever (except gnawing off an appendage) to loosen the grip of the garage on not one, but both of your hands.
12. Stop screaming briefly to thank Jesus that your youngest child is safely and happily buckled into his car seat during all of this.
13. Worry that child might have some empathy issues considering he hasn't stopped playing his iPad for a second, even though you are screaming like a crazy woman.
14. Determine that if worse comes to worst (which is beginning to seem inevitable), your husband is still on the phone, and he could call 911 for you.
15. Feel humiliated at the thought of firefighters coming to your house just to lift the garage door slightly to release your hands.
16. Ignore your husband who is frantically shouting questions into the phone because he doesn't have an empathy issue, apparently.
17. Wiggle your right hand free after 2-3 minutes/an eternity of being smashed.
18. Reach down and summon your super-human strength to lift the garage door just enough to free your left hand. Or, just be thankful you ate protein at breakfast that morning...
19. Collapse on the ground, sobbing.
20. Tell your husband that you are free and report that you're probably going to hyperventilate, but promise to call him back when you are finished.
21. Ignore multiple phone calls from your husband (no empathy issues, remember?) and try to catch your breath.
22. Go into the house (through the front door. No way in heck should you go through the garage door. Ever again.) and fumble through preparing a bottle of ice water.
23. Drink the ice water to stop the hyperventilating, but never consider putting ice on your aching fingers.
24. Go back to the car (through the front door) where your youngest is still playing his iPad and, now, giggling.
25. Call your husband back, but claim to be unable to talk because you have to go lead a bible study (which is where you were originally headed). Actually be unable to talk because you are crying again.
26. Drive your car, despite being hysterical again.
27. Hear a funny noise under the car.
28. Pull over.
30. Know nothing about cars and wonder what you should be looking for.
31. Shrug shoulders.
32. Get back in car.
33. Drive twenty minutes to bible study using only your four good fingers (thumbs and pinkies).
34. Stop crying.
35. Start again upon arrival as you recount the morning to one of your best friends.
36. Wonder what your friend is looking at as she looks past you during your dramatic retelling.
37. Realize she is staring at your COMPLETELY flat car tire.
38. Cry again.
39. Answer a phone call from your husband. Hysterically tell him about the flat tire.
40. Meet/scare off a brand new bible study attendee, while sobbing.
41. Answer the phone again, this time hearing your husband say that he has called your other best friend to come pick you up and take you to prompt care.
42. Dump the job of leading bible study on your entirely unprepared friend. Leave your child with her too.
43. Arrive at prompt care and wait 20 minutes to be checked in because you have weird insurance of which no one has ever heard.
44. Be rendered speechless as the admissions gal asks "which hand?" when you tell her you smashed SIX of your fingers.
45. Be completely incapable of signing your name.
46. Receive x-rays and find out that nothing is broken.
47. Locate another friend to retrieve one of your other children from his preschool bus.
48. Find out that this friend also smashed her fingers in her garage door two weeks prior.
49. Feel slightly (slightly) less stupid.
50. Promise the doctor that you will go home and ice your fingers hourly.
51. Go home and ice your fingers twice.
52. Bruise minimally, but continue to maintain pain and numbness in two of your fingers for almost a week (and maybe beyond. Time will tell.).
53. Put all the children down for a nap and make cookies, mostly so you can consume unhealthy amounts of cookie dough.
54. Consume unhealthy amounts of cookie dough.
55. Resolve to never ever touch the garage door, ever again.