The reality of our family expanding has finally hit me. You may think that's a silly thing to say because, well, we signed up for this. We pursued adoption. There's no "We accidentally got paper-pregnant! Whoopsies!" But I think that any honest person with multiple children has a moment or two of "What were we thinking?" when they add another child to their home.
This is mine.
This is my freak. out. moment.
I am not prepared for this life change.
Case-in-point: The other day, Chance was away working and I was giving Nasko and Louis their lunches. Louis hasn't been eating solid foods very well lately, and I am sure Nasko wasn't interested in the meal that was offered (this is my life). I was attempting to eat as well, but both boys weren't being very cooperative, so I decided to call the meal quits. I planned to return to my own food later.
I sent Nasko away from the table to wash his hands and prepare for nap time. (Why yes, my seven year old still naps. It's Jesus' way of letting me know that He does still love me.) Nasko, of course, got distracted was getting into trouble. I was attempting to deal with that and all of a sudden, Louis was gagging, coughing, and throwing up all over me.
I was frazzled. Nothing was going right. No one was listening and now I smelled like puke. My surprised and uncomfortable baby was crying hysterically. My oldest STILL hadn't washed his hands and I was overwhelmed.
Three minutes later, an email from our adoption agency came through to my phone. With the lingering puke smell and out-of-control children running rampant, I clicked on the message.
"Your paperwork has been accepted and you are now being invited to [Eastern Europe] to get your son."
Because a third son is what this situation was lacking.
In that moment, I questioned what we were doing. I saw the chaos, and wasn't sure how I'd handle one more child.
I felt mentally, emotionally, and spiritually unprepared.
This week, I've been reading a book entitled "Rhinestone Jesus" by Kristen Welch. My friend, and fellow adoptive mama, brought the book to me before we left town last night with the simple instruction of "Read this."
The book has been filled with deep insight, motivational reminders, and raw parallels to my own life.
Today I read this:
One-thousand times. Yes
THIS is what I'm living. THIS is how I feel.
I don't have all the answers.
Resources? Huh-uh. Nope.
Oh, and about that funding... ahem.
This plan, our plan, is certainly not perfect.
But thankfully it is also God's plan.
We know that it is right for us to love an orphan, to bring him into our family, to give him the medical care he needs and to demonstrate to him the healing love of Christ.
How this will look logistically, I have no idea. Most days I barely survive being the mother of two active boys. Because I'm pretty sure I won't be growing an extra set of arms, I can only imagine how I am going to handle three.
But I'm not going to stress out about this. It's God's plan even more than it is my own. The gap in my answers, my resources, and my finances? It is indeed God-sized.
He WILL show up.