My Heart

We debated. Should we go?

Should we stay?

Taty is very sick and knew he could not go. N.'s diado and I considered going though.

N. is in an orphanage one hour from where I lie.

Should we go?

Should we stay?

My heart said "go" and my stomach said "stay."

We decided to stay.

We will see N. tomorrow morning again.

After this morning's decision was made, I spent the next hour being sick. Had we gone, the timing would have been while we were driving on country roads toward the orphanage. We made the right decision, but that's not enough to change the fact that N. lives in an orphanage an hour from where I lie.

This decision was SO hard.

Today has taught me that my heart no longer lives inside my body. It lives in an orphanage an hour from where I lie.

I can no longer guard, protect, or hide my heart.

My heart lives in a run-down building with twelve other children.

My heart eats fruits, vegetables and bread, but rarely any protein.

My heart does not understand the concept of asking for more food, because there is barely enough food for three meals.

My heart has knobby joints and tires easily.

My heart has ashy skin and is washed in a soapy bucket.

My heart uses a bathroom with no toilet seat and never enough toilet paper.

My heart wears the shirt that his best friend wore yesterday, and his other friend wore the day before.

My heart loves cars, but has not been taught to drive toy cars on the floor.

My heart believes that toys are to be hoarded and possessed, not shared and played with.

My heart was almost given medicine because some incorrectly believe that his brain might be the reason he was not communicating.

My heart sleeps on a stiff mattress without a pillow or a toy for snuggling.

My heart has no Mama or Taty.

My heart is always surrounded, but always alone.

My heart is a sinful child in need of God's grace and forgiveness.

My heart is broken.

My heart is hurt, and I can feel it in my chest - no matter that my heart lives in an orphanage an hour from where I lie.

My heart is a brave little boy who does not yet understand that his Mama and Taty want to do nothing less than protect him from hard times.

My heart finds a way to have fun and play, despite the pain and sadness.

My heart has lived in these conditions since he was ten days old.

My heart knows nothing else.

My heart is a survivor.

My heart is strong and courageous.

It's unfortunate that my heart lives in an orphanage an hour from where I lie... I could use some of that strength and courage right now.

Evening out!

Photos and Videos of N. - Day 4